01/22/04: breakup refresher

And because we can all use a refresher course now and then, here are two totally free lessons in breaking up.

Lesson From Breakup 101: Don't call your ex cutesy names (even via email), and moreover, don't ever, EVER, tell them you miss them and are thinking about them, even if you mean it in a totally platonic, pals-only way. Doing this will either make a person miss you, deem you a socially retarded clueless jackass, or they'll hate you with a seething venomous loathing.

Lesson from Breakup 507 (Advanced Placement class): Even though during the heat of the breakup the dumpee said they wanted to be friends, they only said that so they'd sound agreeable so you'd like them. Truth is, they really don't want to be friends with you.. at least not right now. Typically, dumpees either want you back, or they want you out of their life so they can get on with theirs. Just because you date someone does not automatically entitle you to their friendship. And it's up to the dumpee to determine when the raw nerves are soothed enough to let you back in on a friendly basis. But in the meantime, you're an idiot if you're assuming your relationship is going to be exactly happy-slappy like it used to be, just minus the sex. [and consider... if your relationship was 85% sex anyway, what's left to stand on?])

Second Lesson from Breakup 507 (Advanced Placement class): The dumper must follow the dumpee's lead when it comes to talking about dating new people. To clarify: the dumper has a certain responsibility to spare the dumpee as much torture as possible... that is, because the dumper has chosen to be 'Dumper Who Also Wants to Stay Friends.' As such, the dumper can't talk about who he's dating (or would like to date) until the dumpee has declared that they are with someone else. The dumper must wait until the dumpee has moved on... even if the dumper has gotten married or something. Just a thought.