03-01-05: hazy shade of winter

Time, time, time, see what's become of me
While I looked around for my possibilities.
Hang on to your hopes, my friend.
That's an easy thing to say,
But if your hopes should pass away
Simply pretend that you can build them again.
Look around,
The grass is high,
The fields are ripe,
It's the springtime of my life.

Seasons change with the scenery;
Weaving time in a tapestry.
Won't you stop and remember me
At any convenient time?

Funny how my memory skips
While looking over manuscripts
Of unpublished rhyme.

Drinking my vodka and lime,
I look around,
Leaves are brown now,
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter.
Look around,
Leaves are brown,
There`s a patch of snow on the ground

It's been a whole month since I've updated this thing.  Sorry for the delay, I know you've all been hanging on the edge of your computer chairs for the wisdom and insight that comes from The Jill.

Pbbbssshht, uhhyeah hroight.  :-)

All in all, life is pretty OK.  I've got wonderful things that give me hope, but also things that break my heart every single day... so I try to concentrate on the good stuff and try to ignore the bad stuff (well, more specifically, I try to fix the fixable stuff and ignore the hopeless stuff).

My social calendar has been lacking lately, but it's been my choice.  I used to do fun stuff every night (heck sometimes two or three fun things every night), hanging with friends, grabbing dinner, yadda yadda; but I've decided to forego that to save my money for trips to San Francisco.  I figure I used to blow $20 a night at Stanley's or playing pool or doing whatever, and night after night that got expensive.  So I did some math and figured if I just stay home and amuse myself, the weekend fun things in San Fran wouldn't kill me financially.  This plan has translated into more homecooked meals and staying in, which is actually physically healthier for me in the long run.  Sadly, it has also made me feel pretty dull with nothing new to talk about.  Now if only I could get to the gym more than once a week, I'd really be onto something. :-)

Last year (crap, has it been two years?  Aaaiigh!) I used to get together with Matt-o-blatt and we'd work on music -- that was cheap and very satisfying fun; only cost the price of Capriotti's or chinese food every week.  I need to get back into that again, no doubt.  Over the summer I started working with Trainor a bit, but we got busy (no, not that kind of getting busy) with The Wall and I moved to San Fran for that month, and well, I haven't done anything creative with any regularity since.  I mean, I've done small projects (we re-did The Wall in December, Joe and I wrote the music for City Theater's production of A Midsummer Night's Dream, and I busted out the four-track and started working on some new stuff), but nothing where I have a set schedule of neat things to prepare for and look forward to.   (Hey cool, I just dangled two participles. Rawk!)

So yeah, I've been flying to San Francisco every other weekend to spend time with John.  We play a lot of pinball and have recently discovered the magic of ricotta pancakes.  We've settled into a rhythm now which brings me comfort.  A few months back I was stressing out because we didn't have a firm visit schedule, but we've committed to every other weekend and we've stuck to it religiously for the past month or two.  This has made me feel a lot better about things, even unrelated things.  I know things will never be "normal" while we are separated by 3000 miles, so we just try to keep up the momentum during our off-time.   He rocks.   :-)

Can you tell I like set schedules of things?

March is going to be a weird month in that I only get to see John once.  He's taking a few courses on the weekends in March, and I've got two weekends with things I shouldn't miss here.  So, to compensate, I'll be spending all of next week in San Francisco1.  Yay!   We'll only have evenings to goof off since he'll be working during the week and he'll have a class on the weekend of the 12th; but 7 evenings are better than no visit at all for a month.    I'm looking for a daytime class to take that week so at least I have something to say when he gets home.  :-)    I saw in the paper that there are some yoga studios with a "try before you buy" special where for you can get a whole week of free classes if you go to one $35 intro-class.  $35 for a week's worth of yoga sounds really enticing, and considering the studios are largely downtown, that'll be a nice chunk of time out of my day.  I was hoping there were some classes at the robotics place in Emeryville, but I checked with the owner and he said that he didn't have anything scheduled.  I'll keep looking.  I mean, yoga would rock, but learning something new would be cool.  They also have a nice round of cool sewing classes at The Sewing Workshop which is a whopping one block away from John's place-- I will definitely sign up for something there.  They have a great intro class which I wouldn't mind taking just to refresh my 6th grade home ec skills.  Sadly, their other rockin' classes are all in the evenings, and since the evenings are the only John-time I'll get, I should probably forego them.  Though, I might take one just to give John some precious Slashdot time.  :-)   We'll see. I know that Jason and Heather are going to be in town early in the week, so hopefully we'll get some quality time with them-- they rock.   And I'm figuring if Kathryn isn't too busy we can hang out a bit, too.  She totally, totally rules, and I haven't seen her enough lately.  

In other news, I'm thinking about having another birthday party for my 30th birthday pie on 4/15-- I have to check and see if the Mosko-party-shack is available.  My birthday pie is four years old this year.  I'm hoping someone will eat it or put it out of its misery in some other way because my lease is up soon and I can't imagine transferring it to another place.  It's screwy enough that I put a birthday hat on it.  :-)


It's funny how time passes differently as you age.  This weekend, John and I were in the back of a cab and I looked at him and said, "How long have you been in San Francisco?"  My chrono-bot was expecting 5 months or so, and John said, "It's been nine months."  He saw I was blown away by this... and he said, "Well, think about it-- you and I are coming up on a year soon."  Whoa.   It's been three years since my pancreas was flung around an operating room.  It's been a year since my last birthday pie party, and four years since the birthday pie was lovingly baked by my mom.  Four years!  That's the amount of time it takes most folks to finish high school.  When I think back on high school, each year seemed like an eternity.  I accomplished so much each year-- grew so much, learned so much, accomplished so much-- 3 plays, 5 choir concerts, dances, clubs, physical fitness tests, marching band, Regions, All-State and All-Eastern chorus, rock operas, tons of time in recording studios, choir and band trips, weeks down the shore-- all in each calendar year.  Each year was like a lifetime, and four years was an eternity.  But the amount of time since my mom baked me my 30th birthday pie has been the same amount of time it took me to get through high school according to the calendar, but it's been merely a blink in my personal chrono-bot.  WTF?

My friend Jane's mom said this once:  "The reason old people can sit in a rocking chair and rock for hours on end is because by the time you reach that age, time is elapsing so quickly that you feel like you just sat down."


Think about the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  When you were little, that period of time that was ages.  And now it's like 20 minutes.

This makes me think about a time my Pop Joe (mom's dad) and I were hangin' out in the kitchen drinking coffee and playing gin rummy, and I stopped to ask him, "Pop, what's it feel like to be 80?"  He replied, "If I close my eyes, I feel like I'm 18.  I forget that I'm old until I try to stand up and realize I can't walk over to the fridge to get the milk."

Which makes me think about a couple I know who have spent the last 25 years of their lives in separate rooms watching separate TV shows. I wonder if these years have flown by or dragged on for them?

Which then makes me think about my friend who just found out he's got brain cancer with an iffy-at-best prognosis. I wonder how time will pass for him.

Which then makes me think about my friends who just found out they're finally pregnant after trying for years... I wonder how the next 7 months will pass for them.


As Ben says... "Been thinkin' a lot today."

1 Back in December, the evil client for whom I work demanded that I go to the HDM Conference in Las Vegas during the week of March 7-11.  My ISI boss said it was more important that I stay in Delaware and work.  The evil client countered, and said that they felt it was more important that I go to the conference, and again, my ISI boss said that I needed to stay in Delaware to work.  How ironic that my ISI boss gleefully signed the paperwork that said I could have that same week off for vacation.  Proof that my boss is a moron.  So my evil client doesn't get my skills, I don't get my HDM training, and ISI doesn't get my effort that week.  John, bless his soul, convinced me to leave my laptop at home.  Though, I think I might bring it just so I can hang out at Javacat and write.  We'll see.