03/10/04: knock me out

Last weekend was a big choir festival at my cathedral, and it rocked entirely. A bunch of RCSM choirs from the area all got together to be directed under this incredible choirmaster, Charles Olegar. We sounded fantastic, and I had chills from the great singing. It was a grueling weekend; big rehearsal Friday night, worked all day Saturday to prepare for an evensong Saturday late afternoon, and then I sang the usual Sunday service, went to lunch with Darryl, Matt, Linda and Charles, and then went back for a music ed symposium he was giving. There was a little wine and cheese reception after the symposium, and I feel like The Boatmon and I ate almost the whole tray. :-) Anyway, I got home around 6pm on Sunday night and I took a bath and then just curled up and enjoyed the night off.

What else... I had my first two Little Shop of Horrors rehearsals last week; we all sat around the director's dining room table and read/sang through the show, got to know each other a little, and it was very cool. The cast is amazing, everything seems so well thought out and well-planned; there's nothing half-arse about it. Joe Trainor is music directing the show and he's assembled a really cool band, with his brother on bass, and then Brian Turner on guitar and Trip Sullivan on drums. It's gonna rock!

Speaking of Trainor, I've been yakking and hanging out with him a lot lately, which is really awesome. Joe rocks on so many different levels, and I'm very honored to have him in my little life. He's got such amazing perspectives on things; and some of these perspectives really open my eyes. One of these days I'll get around to posting his whole relationship philosophy-- it applies to relationships of all kinds; grandmas, neighbors, one night stands, wives, friends, and everyone in between.

What else... I have a lot of stuff planned for the next few months, and I'm a little worried that I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and it'll be September and I will have accomplished none of my little fun goals. I really want to go on a road trip this summer. I'm also hearing rumblings of an Evelyn Situation east-coast reunion and short tour for the summer (not to mention a longer 5-year plan of getting back together and touring) so one might very well replace the other. I want to go down the shore, I want to spend time with my folks and my nieces and nephew, I want to see as much of the Wilmington Blue Rocks as I possibly can, I want to move into my house, I want to get a new car, yadda yadda yadda. I have no idea how I'm going to accomplish any of this.

I don't think I've had a good night's sleep in over a week. I've been totally listless, tossing and turning, having half-asleep dreams about my upcoming trip to Arizona and the potential complications thereof, personal ads, and uncomfortable conversations with friends, co-workers and estranged folks. I hate it. I just stare at the clock and get itchier and itchier as the hours pass, knowing that I need to cram in a few precious hours of sleep while I can. I finally do manage to fall asleep around 5:00am or so. Not good.

The other morning I had such uncomfortable dreams that I woke up at 5:30am and had to get out of bed to write about it just to clear my mind enough so I could get some real sleep. I've got a sleep-deprivation ache in the pit of my stomach that is now compounding with the nerves of not knowing exactly when I'm going to bump into the good doctah, or what I'm going to say to him when I do. So naturally all I can do is worry about it, which is silly.

Jeremy says that I really need to just decide what I want to get out of the relationship going forward so I can act accordingly. Do I want to stay estranged? Do I want to bust my hump and make an honest, true friendship out of what I think is currently nothing? Or do I just want to say a friendly "hi how ya doing" during the one time per year I might bump into him? He said months ago that he never, ever wanted to lose my friendship. I, on the other hand, never really felt like he was one of my inner sanctum of friends-- I don't mean that mean, it's just kinda factual. He knew nothing of the day to day happenings of my life, emails were sporadic at best, so what kind of friendship is that? Is it worth spending all sorts of energy and time to create a friendship across the miles when there currently isn't so much to work from? Why do I want to be friends with him? So I can hear about the women he's dating and so I can be reminded of how I was just not quite good enough? Healthy, that.

I will never understand why, after three solid months, I am simply unable to get over this. Granted, I am able to be a little more distracted from it than I was last month (so I guess that's some kind of progress), but it still occupies a large amount of my brain cycles at any given moment. Argh. Everyone keeps telling me that the only thing that truly gets you over someone is getting involved with someone else. In my mind, that's called a "rebound", but these same people assure me that it's only a rebound if it happens like 20 minutes after you get dumped. I'll have to think about that.

In other news (which will only prove how much I'm obsessing about the previous point, because this issue I'm about to describe has a much more direct impact on my life and should truly be the thing in the forefront), yesterday was my last day as the tech support manager of my team at Accenture. I had been in a really tough position for a long time and I just didn't feel like I was able to be effective. And when you're not effective, you feel worthless, and when you feel worthless, you have crap for morale; and when you have crap for morale, it rubs off on everyone else around you. So Very Happy Leader Jill slowly turned into Turd in the Punchbowl Jill, and that's not good for anyone. So now I'm working on a short project which will help make our help desk more effective, so that's a good thing. At least I feel like I'll be able to make some kind of positive impact. The best news is that I'll be able to work from home (or someone else's home, for that matter!), so that rules!

Anyhoo, I don't think I'm gonna get a chance to post again until after I come back from Arizona. Please wish me luck and strength... I'm sure everything's going to be fine-- at this point I'm betting my biggest challenge is going to be getting over my own brain. Peace out!