Staring at the wall, working on my
5. If you could whisper something in the US President's ear in the
middle of a press conference, what would it be?
"Hhuuhhhhuh..... you said ‘bush.’"
6. What musical instrument would you like to master [that you do not
already play]?
I agree with Stef that would definitely have to be the piano. I am
ashamed that I have a music degree and can’t play the damn thing.
7. Did you ever have a friend who was born in the 19th century?
No, sadly.
8. What song drives you up the wall?
"The Rose." It makes me want to kill people. "Wind Beneath My
Wings" is a close second. Also, anything from Annie that features shouty young girls makes me
want to go postal. (I'm not hostile, what makes you think that?)
9. Tell us about a time you fell asleep while driving (if applicable):
[This was my 7-month rebellious period.] I was still in college, though
no longer living in the dorms... I was living with my folks. I was dating a
guy named Pete who attended the University of Massachusetts, about 3
hours away from my NJ home. Two or three times per week, I would tell
my parents that I had some sorority event and I wouldn’t be home until
late that night. With only $5.50 cents (usually in change) in my pocket
($2.50 for the Tappan Zee Bridge toll), I would leave my school at 4:00pm
and arrive at UMass around 7:00 - 7:30pm. I would hang out with Pete
until midnight or so, and then I’d start the drive home. Thank heavens
there was a drive-thru Dunkin Donuts at the freeway entrance by UMass.
With my remaining $3.00, I would refill my extra jumbo Dunkin Donuts
travel mug and purchase 3 donuts. I would use these rations to pace
myself for the drive home... I knew I couldn’t begin to drink the coffee
until Connecticut because it was too hot to drink before I reached that
point. So I would eat one donut in Massachusetts, and by the time I got
the sugar crash, I would be in Connecticut where I could enjoy my coffee
and a second donut about halfway through the state (Connecticut was the
longest portion of the journey). Getting through New York was quick, so
I didn’t reward myself there... and would finally consume the final donut
when I got on the Garden State Parkway in NJ. However, one night,
Connecticut seemed longer than usual... and the coffee and one donut
wasn’t sufficing, so I ate my Jersey donut also in Connecticut. Still
didn’t help. So I rolled down the window (this being November, it should
have helped), but even that couldn’t help keep me awake. So I cranked
the radio, which also rapidly lost effect. I didn’t have money for a
hotel and I didn’t have a credit card, so I resorted to slapping myself
in the face and pinching my arms to keep myself awake. My eyes wouldn’t
focus on anything, I was seeing double, and the next thing I knew, I was
in a different lane than I was in a few moments ago, with no recollection
of how I got there.
That kinda woke me up.
An addendum to this story was that my new insurance card had arrived in the mail that morning (my previous one had expired) and I forgot to take it with me before I left for school that morning. So my mom called half my sorority sisters looking for me that night, wanting to drop off the insurance card to me so I wouldn’t have to drive home uninsured. A few days later, my dad had walked out to my car to check the mileage to see if it was time for an oil change yet. Instead of there being 2500-3000 miles as he expected, there was close to 11,000. Needless to say, my parents were none too happy. What a rebel.
Anyhoo, if you ever have had a close call with falling asleep at the wheel, purchase the Barenaked Ladies disc Maroon and listen to the last track. It’s aptly titled "The Night I Fell Asleep at the Wheel." I cannot listen to this song, as it throws me into fits of crying hysteria, no matter how elevated my previous mood. It also has a bonus track after this tune, which, at first listen is awful, but has such a simple charming quality that it always makes me feel instantly better after the previous song.
(Some people say I give too many details and can't seem to get to the point. I don't know how I got that reputation.)
10. If the Earth was about to be destroyed and you were allowed to save
only one work of literature to represent your home planet, what
would it be?
Probably Kon-Tiki by Thor Heyerdahl, or a Mark Twain anthology.
11. What sport would you like to play (that you do not already play)?
Pool, if that’s considered a sport. Playing pool is like a tuxedo. You
can be really ugly and smelly and gross, but as soon as you put on a tux
(or, if you are a good pool player) you are instantly a babe magnet. Not
that I necessarily want to be a babe magnet, but I think there's
something very cool about being a good pool player.
12. What sport would you like to abolish (that hasn't already been
abolished)?
I agree with Stefan: hunting for hunting’s sake is all wrong.
13. Tell us a little about the worst job you ever had:
Working at CVS (for the non NJ-ites, a CVS is like a Walgreens). The
manager looked like a rat, and he hit on all the high-school girls (which
I was at the time). I worked the cash register and always handed out too
much change. I’d get yelled at after every shift for being short in the
cash drawer. ("Short in the cash drawer" sounds like a euphemism for
something sexual, doesn't it?)
14. What is your earliest childhood memory?
I remember the moment where the doctor slapped me to get me to breathe
immediately after I was born. I distinctly remember thinking, "Heeeey
now, what was that for?" I also remember being weighed right after being
born, and the scale was very cold.
15. What was the first record you ever bought with your own, hard-
earned money?
Again, I think I’m with Stefan here again... Juice Newton's "Queen of
Hearts" on 45. The B side was "Angel of the Morning." The neat thing
about my copy of that 45 was that the labels were reversed, so if you
wanted to play the B side, you had to play the A side. It was purple.
16. If you were forced to be on one of those idiotic TV talk shows,
which one would you opt for? Why?
Oprah; because I know the people who watch that show are generally
"nice" people, who are easily brainwashed. I could use the Jedi Mind
Trick (TM) on them and rule the world.
17. If you could communicate with one particular specie of the animal
kingdom, which would it be and why?
Dogs. I think dogs constantly say, "I’m a dog, I’m a dog, I’m a dog, I’m
a dog-- dog dog dog dog dog, that's what I am, a big dumb dog, I'm a
dog," and I think it’d be fun to hear that all day.
18. Which holiday ought to be stricken from the calendar?
Any holiday deemed by Hallmark; e.g., Secretaries Day, Friendship Day,
etc.
19. How would you make automobiles safer for everyone?
Make it impossible for humans to drive them.
20. Was this a fun interview or should it be stricken from the records?
Phun! Funn! Funne!