04-13-07: Alice's Restaurant

This post is called Alice's Restaurant, and it's about Alice, and the restaurant, but Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant, that's just the name of the post, and that's why I called the post Alice's Restaurant.

Now it all started this past Easter Sunday, was on Easter Sunday this past week, when my brother and I went up to visit my family for Easter. Seein' as how I was to be consulting the next week and potentially driving clients around, I decided that it'd be a friendly gesture for me to vacuum out my car, in an effort to be respectable and such... well, as respectable as one can be in a green 1999 Chevy Malibu. So my brother and I piled into the Malibu and headed on toward the town car wash where they have the 25-cent vacuuming machines.

Well we got there and there was evidence that this here town car wash was closed on Easter Sunday. All the vacuum hoses were removed from the 25-cent vacuum machines, making vacuuming impossible. And we had never heard of a car wash closed on Easter before, and with tears in our eyes we started to drive off into the afternoon sun looking for another way to vacuum my car. We couldn't think of one. Until I spotted on the side of the car wash building a stolen shopping cart full of vacuum hoses, the very ones that had been removed from the 25-cent vacuum units to prevent blasphemous vacuuming on Easter Sunday. And we decided that a clean car was better than a messy car, and rather than pick out each piece of gravel and lint out by hand, we decided to remove a hose from this shopping cart, hook it up to the unit, pay our quarter and vacuum out the car.

Now friends, as luck would have it, the vacuum unit which we happened to choose for our venture here was the Full Service Vacuum1, which means that a quarter is not necessary for its operation. I mentioned this to my brother, and we decided that rather than waste time moving the car, we would simply flip on the switch and proceed with the vacuuming. Which equates to us stealing vacuum services on Easter Sunday.

And we vacuumed well. The Malibu never looked cleaner. I returned the hose to its place in the stolen shopping cart on the side of the car wash building. And that's what we did, and drove back to my parents' house and had an Easter dinner that couldn't be beat.

And we waited for Officer Obie to call...

If you know the song Rockin' the Suburbs by Ben Folds, he talks about how the only way he can really lash out is to "curse on the mic" during concerts, and if he's REALLY been wronged, he warns "You better look out because I'm gonna say 'FUCK'!" Ooooooooooh, scary!

And I felt very Ben Folds with my brother that day... getting so giddy over stealing 25 cents worth of air.

Jeff imitated an old-timey radio broadcast, complete with radio-announcer-accent: "Jeffrey Knapp, 38, of Randolph New Jersey, and Jill Knapp, 36, of Wilmington Delaware were arrested on Easter Sunday for stealing vacuuming services from East Hanover's Rainbow Car Wash. Jo-Ann Knapp, mother of these small-time hooligans, and long-time educator in the East Hanover School System could not be reached for comment."

We are so white, suburban and lame. :-)

And by lame, I mean awesome.

1 Full Service Vacuum: Y'all have a field day with that one. Go ahead, it's a gift.

Fortune Teller Miracle Fish today tells me: I'm in love. (Ya think?)