04/30/04: eye on the exit

OK, it's time to rant and be blunt and entirely too honest. This will be ugly.

I've been blessed/cursed with this thing where guys see me as a brother and not as a chick who contains take-me-seriously qualities. Guys want to see baseball games with me, they want to compare porn collections and talk about dutch ovens and the simple joys of programming in BASIC. Sure, they'd probably knock boots with me once or twice, but they'd always be dreaming of marrying that loser bland bridesmaid over there who doesn't know about the dropped third strike rule and has more hangups than frikkin' Bill's Poster Shack. So this makes me think that guys want boring chicks. They don't want to be challenged. They want drab. They don't want a chick who laughs and who can make decisions and who gets stuff done. Jill can be the best pal ever and the person who gets the phone call at 3am to help out with something, or even a 'friend with benefits,' but that's it.

Oddly enough, this never really bothered me. The thought of marriage always seemed really ridiculous to me. I never wanted to get hitched, I never wanted to have kids, I never wanted to settle down, nada. I wanted to be just like my cousin Marie who is now 58 and still lives alone in her apartment and does whatever the heck she wants. She answers to nobody. And it's not like she is doing all of these crazy reckless things since she answers to nobody... but dammit, if she wants to eat melba toast in bed at 4am, by cracky, she's gonna do it. She doesn't have to worry about keeping someone up, she doesn't have to worry about making someone wait, she doesn't have to worry about splitting the bills or picking up someone's dry cleaning. She takes out her own trash and asks no favors and therefore doesn't owe anyone anything. I like that.

Lately, and I don't know if it has to do with being told I wasn't marry-able last year and now I have a "yeah? I'll show you" mentality or what, but I'm jonesin' for that validation. It makes no sense, because the core of my being still doesn't want to answer to anyone.

This further makes no sense, because what I always look for in a partner is someone who "wears the pants." I don't wanna make the decisions. I don't want to be the smart one. I don't want to be the alpha-dog. I also don't want a frikkin' competition, either. Ideally, my partner would be a pants-wearin' guy who knew the one or two things on which I take the lead... and for everything else, I'm glad to be the sidekick. That's what I like. So it's screwy that I don't want to answer to anyone, because I also don't want to be the 'man of the house.'

Read the opening welcome page of my web journal, point #3. "When people expect me to do something, I usually don't want to do it, even though I would have been perfectly willing to do it before the obligation was placed on it." So, I would love to cook you dinner. I would love to give you a massage. I will even sort your socks with a smile on my face. But marry you? F that, get a bat. That's obligation. That's committment.

I look at couples like Brian and Katie. Granted, I don't know them amazingly well, but we've certainly hung out enough where I think I know their dilly. They are engaged, and they rock. I see couples like Brian and Katie who don't seem to have a doubt in their mind about anything. They know that their love is a given, is solid and unquestioned like the earth under their feet. And while they, like every pair of humans on the earth, may bicker occasionally, that foundation is immovable. Neither of them ever considers walking away.

And part of me wonders if I could ever have that with anyone. And this is where I start to worry that I have something wrong with me. I can't commit to anything. Not a place to live, not a job, not a person. I constantly am in "weighing my options mode." I always need to have an eye on the exit no matter what the situation.

Take The Ninja for example. We've been dating now for a month, and it rocks entirely. Last night I knew he'd be meeting some of my pals. I wanted to ask him, "So, uh, should I introduce you as my boyfriend?" But in all brutal honesty, I don't want to know the answer. Because if he says, "Yes, you are my girlfriend," then I will feel excited that he said so, but then panicky because he's leaving soon and then what? And if he says, "No, you're just some chick I'm hangin' out with," then I will undoubtedly feel let down and rejected. The guy cannot win, so I won't put him in that postion, and I won't put me in that position either. So I just don't ask. I know that we're not seeing anyone else... jeez, who has time (and frankly, I have no interest). So I'm just leaving it there.

And it's not just John, it's always been like this.

But the crux is, I feel myself starting to get seriously attached here, and I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to end it now so I don't have another 6 weeks to solidify that astral tie, which will only render me a quivering slob when he leaves; and part of me wants to enjoy this to the fullest and try to keep my wits about me, reminding myself to keep everything at at arm's distance.

So anyway, when it rains, it pours, it seems. In the last few months I've had guys coming out of the proverbial woodwork lookin' for a piece of Hot Jill Action (ha!). And I can't help but be suspicious. It always happens... as soon as I've given my heart to someone else, it becomes something precious to others. Meh.

Fortune Teller Miracle Fish today tells me that I am: somewhere between In Love and Indifferent. (We've got a moving tail and a slightly twitchy head.)   The story of my life. :-)

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