06/09/04: unreal

Dear Miss-I-Hate-Myself-And-will-Take-Out-My-Self-Loathing-on-All-Who Enter: (aka, the Owner of the Resale Boutique located at 818 Philadelphia Pike in Wilmington, DE):

I would like to personally commend you on your unwavering committment to being an abhorrently miserable human. It is clear that you have been a student of Suck for a long time and have dedicated yourself to perfecting your craft. You are an artiste, a true virtuoso; dare I say, a savant! Your exacting standards, your laserpoint precision in delivering such negativity is inspirational to anyone who strives to achieve, well, anything!

I especially loved how you got really short with the elderly customer for not having memorized the "Consignor's Bill of Rights" prominently displayed under backlit lucite in six-point font printed circa 1987 on your Tandy 1000 dot matrix printer. When she sought clarification, the look you gave me about her total ignorance and obvious senility made me giddy that I was accepted into your kool-kidz club! Wheeee!

I also loved how you immediately badmouthed each person who phoned your shop after hanging up with them. It made me feel really great about our business relationship and the positive, grateful energy you'll surely send my way after I leave your establishment having donated little pieces of my life that will earn you money.

The highlight of my visit, however, was how you ridculed the clothes I brought in; that made me feel really terrific! Oh what fun we had, laughing at how truly ridiculous I must have looked wearing something as outlandish and trashy as a crisp, tailored Liz Claiborne linen suit à la Jackie Onassis, or a graceful Tencel sundress from Nordstroms. Quelle horreur! I should have known not to bring in such items of poor quality and taste to someone such as yourself who clearly has a discerning eye for fashion. Your teasingly baggy polyester pull-on elastic waist culottes, your sexy cotton appliqué seahorse T-shirt (enticingly exposing your 60-year-old lower abdomen) paired with your sassy starfish espadrilles was simply sensational, and I should have known better. What was I thinking?

(What I was thinking was: If it wasn't 95 and lethally humid out, I would have taken my business elsewhere. But instead, I will take comfort and dirty pleasure knowing that there was one live silverfish nesting very comfy in the red rayon number.)

Please, be nicer to your customers. Without them, you'd have no business at all.