06/27/04: midnight. looking around my apartment

Was very weird to walk into my apartment yesterday after getting off the red-eye flight and seeing all of this stuff in my apartment that wasn't there like 2 hours before I left it on 6/17. I have more cleaning supplies, pasta and couscous at this moment than I have probably ever cumulatively had in my place. I'm not sure what to do with it, and while it all looks tasty and I'd love to eat it all (not in one sitting, necessarily... haha), I don't have the room for it, so I'll probably just bring it to the food bank or give some of it to Moskowitz.

Leaning against my couch was also a large flat cardboard mailer which contained artwork from someone I don't know (though I remember being told about the artist, but having met and heard about so many new people recently, I just can't put it together); it is simply breathtaking. There are two hand-made pieces in there, and a postcard. The larger piece is poster-sized, and is a watercolor of someone's two hands with fingers interlaced being held wishfully (not prayerfully) under their chin; all you see is the figure's chin down to maybe mid-arm. They are wearing a white collared shirt, the hands are female because of the nails and the graceful shape of the fingers. It is a realistic drawing, but not too detailed. There are phrases written in pencil in four straight lines around the edge of the painting, framing it, essentially. It's hard to find where the first word starts and the last phrase ends, but careful digging lets you find it. These are self-defeating phrases, some repeating but not often, and in no discernible pattern. They say things like:

I should kill myself / don't have the strength / I am weak / I have always been weak and stupid / I will never be happy / I am not worthy of anything / I am lost in my emptiness / this hollowness consumes me it causes such hunger and will never be filled / there isn't enough love in the world for me to ever be full / there isn't enough of anything to make me whole / it burns inside me it causes unbelievable pain inside of me / it makes me feel like I am being used / I could cut pieces of my flesh off / I could cut pieces of myself off / cut out my evilness/ cut out my stupidity / cut out my head / I am so ugly / I am so stupid /

et cetera.

In a long, overlapping random ribbon are other phrases which are written over and around the figure's body. The sentiments here are slightly different:

I want to survive myself / I want him to love only me / I want him to see me / I want to be the most important thing in his life / I want to get over him / I want him to never get over me / I want him to find me / I want to be thin / I want to be beautiful / I want to be fashionable / I want to be wanted / I want a safe place to love / I want a husband / I want to be the best / I want to be away from here / I want to hide / I want Russell Crowe / I want to be sexy /

et cetera.

It's really quite beautiful to look at, but also makes you ache from a very deep place. It doesn't have a resolution. It just is.

I'm not sure what to do with this painting. Getting it framed and hanging it up will surely depress me, only because I'm very impressionable by my environment, and having those words beamed at me 24 x 7 can't be healthy, even if I'm not directly reading them. However, putting it back in its corrugated holder seems like a gross injustice.

We shall see.

Someone suggested I burn the painting as some kind of cathartic offering to the powers that be. This, to my "always interpret everything negatively" brain, implied that this person thinks that this painting's sentiments are also my own, and that burning said thoughts would be a good exercise. That kinda hurt. Ow... didn't know I was universally regarded as a Russell Crowe lover. :-D


Off to Philadelphia to catch "Jesus Hopped the A Train" at the Wilma Theater. Rumor has it I'm being taken for some cow at Ruth's Chris afterwards, though I'm not exactly sure why.

Either way, I'm not complaining. I can't turn down cow, followed up with fresh berries and clotted cream. :-)


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