07/01/04: have a nice bowl of bummer flakes

Had a quiet, mellow night catching up with my old college beau, Cris. Cris likes boys now, so I'm feeling especially proud of my accomplishments with the gentlemen. ;-)   Ohhhhhhhhhhh yeaaaaaaaaaaah.   Cris is a very good egg, and it felt good to catch up with him after over a year.

For a reason unbeknownst to me, this morning I woke up unbearably sad with an ache in core of my being that made me crumble. I'm not sure what caused it, but I do know that I couldn't make it go away. I tried going back to sleep, but it kept throbbing. I ventured into the kitchen to eat something, but I had no appetite at all -- not even the tastiest of Trader Joe's treats on hand could muster a marginal interest. I poured myself some coffee and just stared at it. I looked at my shiny mosko-laptop and figured I'd jump online for a while, but I didn't feel like being connected. I thought maybe I would post the pictures from the road trip and from being on the boat with my dad yesterday, but I couldn't get inspired. I received text messages from friends and offers to hang out, and I just looked at the phone blankly. People called me and I forced them to voicemail. You could have flopped a billion-dollar bill and a love note from Steven Page on my lap, and the cloud wouldn't have lifted. I don't get it. My brother called me to find out what I wanted for dinner tonight and I just started crying, so he quickly got off the phone in a "Gee, my sister is typially rock-solid, and I don't know what to do when she acts strangely vulnerable and human."   Needless to say, I cancelled dinner with them, because I don't want to be the turd in the punchbowl.

My mom heard me in my room and she knocked on the door and asked me if I had eaten breakfast, and I said no. I was curled up on my bed just feeling all crappy and dejected, and she made it all better by making me some soft-boiled eggs over 8735-grain toast... cures all that ails ya. We sat down and had one of those cool mom-daughter moments that are kind of rare nowadays, but all the more cherished.

After staring at the wall for a little while, I finished off The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime which lifted the bummitude, so now all I'm left with is null set. I'm not happy, not sad, not bummed, not frustrated, not hungry, not ponky, nada. I just am. I suppose that's not a bad thing, considering that this morning I was so achy.

I think I just need a massage.

[moments pass]

Cool. Just scheduled one. Word.

The good news is that this sucky feeling is only 1/30th of what my life was like back in December, so at least the buffers and such I built up have worked nicely.   She learns! She learns!


[time elapses]


OK, now I'm getting itchy. I don't want to sit here at my parents' house anymore, but I have to finish my laundry before I can head down south... and I worry that driving down to Delaware is going to make things 57 times worse. There's a severe thunderstorm warning encompassing my whole drive down as well as New Castle County. Arriving at my apartment won't bring me comfort, as lately it just represents everything I hate about that state, and how, if InfoSystems lands this deal tomorrow, I will have a job which pays me $25K better than my previous mega-bucks job, and I will be making a comfortable living here in the land of suck. Of course, if they don't nail this contract, then I will have to find other opportunities... coincidentally, Accenture left me a voicemail for me yesterday while I was fishing asking me to reconsider the job in Austin; apparently they can't find someone to fill it. I don't get it. They couldn't have asked me last week when I could have interviewed while I was out there?

Anyway, the thought of moving to Austin is both cool and horrifying. It is most definitely a place where I could grow, learn tons of stuff and just be immersed in smart goodness, but now I feel like, in some lumpy way, I'm not allowed to go there now. Like, if I went, I would just look like a stalker and not somebody doing her own thing which just happens to coincidentally be someone else's potential thing. I mean, I was offered this job before I knew anything about anyone. But still. I admit I would be a little wigged out if the tables were turned.

I'm sure InfoSystems is gonna get this gig at WSFS, so all of this retardo speculation is moot anyway.


On brighter notes... I got an email from Mr. City Theatre offering me two roles in their 10-minute Play Festival... he said I didn't have to audition; the parts were mine if I would agree to accept them. One of the roles is a dramatic thing which I'm nervous about, because it requires actual acting. I don't want to suck in it, because (a) sucking sucks, and (b) it's a play that Matt wrote and it's an amazing piece of work and I don't want to screw it up.   The other role will be cake, because the character is a potty-mouthed chick who is shouting contruction-worker-style at the guys who walk by her on the street. So that should be easy.

I'm also starting to get psyched for our live concert performance of The Wall which is happening in August.


[more time elapses]

Returned to DE... feeling infinitely better now.

The drive back to DE was uneventful-- I got really sleepy so I parked at a rest stop and snoozed for a 1/2 hour. Caught sight of the full, red moon and tried to snap pictures with Jerm's dead-batt'ry camera, so instead I just soaked it in and made a nice, high-res brain .tiff (ranh).   Drove the length of the NJ Turnpike singing at the top of my lungs (a form of shout therapy, to be sure) which helped tremendously. I scheduled myself a nice massage for tomorrow at 1:30, plus I'm having brunch with Jeremy beforehand, and then I'm spending the rest of the afternoon with my arse by the pool. I'm sure all will be back to slappy-happy good after a solid night's sleep... which I'm off to do now. I'll be happy to put this day behind me.

Fortune Teller Miracle Fish today tells me that I am: a dead one.   Pretty smart, this fish. :-)


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