07-10-05: soreness + soapbox

Last night I went out with Darryl and Matt to Eclipse for dinner, and then I met CR in Philly for beverages and banter at a neat little neighborhood bar called For Pete's Sake. Good times. Who knew that 1965 Cambodian rock (with descriptions on the CD as to what dance moves are most apropos: monkey, chacha, rock, etc.) would be so good?

In other unrelated news entirely, it is now Sunday. I am sore. So very, very sore. I am sore in places I didn't even know could ever be sore. Tiny muscles yell, "You neglect me for 34 years, and now you pummel me into submission. I submit! I submit! Just quit it already!" I am walking like an idiot, my spine is sore, my legs are sore, my abs-- oh lordy my precious abs-- are sore. TMI: My butt is sore. I am the personification of sore.

But it's a good sore. At least, I think it is. It's a little too early to tell. We'll see how I feel tomorrow; these things usually take a day to decide to pass or linger. Let's hope I recover, as I have two softball games next weekend.

I also have my first mosquito bite of the year. I swear, someday I'll go a whole summer without a mosquito bite. Now let's see if I can be dexterous enough not to shave over it; the leper look never really worked for me.

Things have been nutty in the land of Jill as of late. First and foremost, I dropped out of Rocky Horror where I was slated to play bass. I did this because I honestly thought I was being encouraged to quit (albeit gently and lovingly). I received a few emails which talked about how awesome Alex is as a bass player and how much he loves the show and would kill to play it and how many rehearsals I've missed so far; compound this with the fact that Debbie and Jeff (my AZ peeps) are gonna be in town this week and I wouldn't get to see them otherwise, I figured it was a win-win situation for me to drop out. Apparently I was wrong.   :-/   But truthfully (and I say this with love), I don't feel particularly bad about it. The band is better off with Alex playing bass, and I get to see Debbie and Jeffo in NYC. Everybody wins.

Other stuff that's been going on:

  • Work has been busy and all-consuming (the suck is definitely back-- fun fun) and I've been staying late trying to get caught up.
  • I spent a weekend at the NJ shore with a dreamy guy and fulfilled a college faux-goal of staying at the Aztec Hotel
  • I had a fabulous trip out west where I got to sing with the Industrial Jazz Group, I caught up with Patty and my other southern California peeps, I drove the California coastline and got major air on the roller coasters in Santa Cruz, I helped build a musical apron, and I dressed up like a Christmas Elf and ran around Fisherman's Wharf like an idiot with about 20 drunken Santas (one of them a famous radiologist and hacker)
  • I'm currently making Burning Man plans with Patty, Kathryn and Tanjent (if he can make it).

    But there has also been a significant amount of hermiting going on, and I know some pals think they're being shut out. In a way, they have been. It's been a very conscious decision, one for which you are owed an explanation. So here it goes:

    June was a very tumultuous month for me, and I decided that if I was going to make any decisions, they had to be made by me and only me. I didn't want anyone's advice, I didn't want to hear any well-intended words of wisdom or any candid "well if I was in your shoes" speeches. So instead of having more conversations about it (which would invariably lead to doubts and discussions and second guessing and overthinking), I just stopped talking about things, except occasionally bouncing things off my shrink. Instead, I meditated, I centered myself, I prayed long and hard, I concentrated deeply, I stretched, and I followed my gut. My gut is never wrong. I had to be true to myself, not to what anyone else thought was right or wrong.

    So yes, I have been laying low, but not because I don't love you dearly, but because I love me more.

    Without people giving me advice (advice I asked for; I acknowledge this), I have been so free and so happy. I followed my bliss, not anyone else's. I only have to worry about pleasing myself... or disappointing myself. It's too cumbersome to censor/limit/modify my actions to make for socially-acceptable journal posts or diner banter.

    I can't choose my activities based on what someone else would do. I love you all very much, but I don't want to be you. I want to be me. I like me.   :-)

    Some people think I've gone crazy. I think I've just gone free.