Ladies and gentlemen, after a long year, Steve We has returned to Iowa for another round of beatings. I know you've all been waiting patiently, so here it is, the first 2005 installment of STEVE WEATHERMAN: IOWA BOY.
July 11th, 2005
I greet you from the green land of Iowa...A state where a man was recently arrested after eluding police for several hours on an ATV in several corn fields. In the police's defense, they really weren't prepared for a high speed chase in a field of corn. The suspect finally yielded to authorities after he flipped the damn thing. Infuriated, he set the ATV on fire, causing a fireball that could be seen for miles. Many people came to see the fire, as it was the most exciting things that had happened in weeks. Several onlookers began to sing "Kum Ba Ya" around the blaze as the suspect was handcuffed. Approximately one quarter acre of corn was damaged during the incident. The man was not injured...but, oh, if wishing made it so.
So, anyway, my plane lands in Des Moines. They are happy to see me, blah, blah, blah. My parents inform me that before we can go home we have to go to the "Day-Old Bread" store. I have no complaint; I love dry bread just as much as the next cheap Norwegian. On the way my parents complained about the current high price of gasoline and reminisced about how much cheaper it was back in "The Good Old Days." I noticed my fingernails had grown a good half inch by the time we reached our destination. We had, in fact, driven 30 minutes OUT OF THE WAY to buy dry bread in order to save a whole $1.75. OK, let's say one hasn't graduated from 5th grade for a moment...even a moron can see that with the price of gas being $2.26 a gallon, my parents lost money on this jerk-water adventure. I found this un-surprisingly tragic and indicative of a people and land I ran screaming from over a decade ago. And I bite my lip for the first of what I suspect will be many times during my voyage into this vortex of despair we call Iowa.
Pray for me.
Your Iowa Boy,