09/28/04: binary

I can make pretty big life decisions without too much trouble... it's the little decisions that kill me.

When I can't make a simple binary decision, I'll flip a coin. If I'm not happy with what's been decided for me, I pick the other option... and lo and behold looky there, I made a choice. I just needed the shove to help me make up my mind. (No, I really didn't want mint chocolate chip thank you, I'll have the butter pecan even though that's not what I was told to have.)

But every so often I'll have a big life decision to make which stumps me, and flipping a coin doesn't quite cut it. For these times, I have a few tools up my sleeve... one is a kitcshy 1960s fortune telling book my mom bought when she was young and living in California. Even if the book gives me completely ludicrous advice, it at least gets my brain jumpstarted towards thinking about my options. If I can rule out bad options, I feel like I'm still making progress of some sort.

Last night I talked to The Ninja for about two hours, and I feel like we've accomplished more in the last two conversations than in almost our whole time together combined. Every time I get a glimpse into him it makes me thirst for so much more, because it's reinforced that this super-amazingness is truly there and not something I've just sensed or hoped or imagined. Like the dream said: "There is wonder here, Jill; you just have to find it." And while no hard and fast decisions were made, just knowing we've been feeling the same excitement about our potential and also the same frustrations about the situation made me feel good... validated, perhaps... like I haven't been smoking crack this whole time.

Anyway, with all that said, after we hung up the phone, I just sat there on my bed holding the phone to my chest, staring into space. My brain had so much info to sort through, and I could feel my crank turning to build up that potential energy but the clutch was pushed in and I was just spinning and making no cognitive-cog-contact; no real thinking (read: concluding) was happening. (That's what I get for trying to comprehend my comprehending at 2:15am.)

I didn't get to bed until 5:30 this morning; I was on a roll. These are some ideas I stumbled upon...

1) Rome wasn't built in a day. A well-thought out decision is smarter than a hasty decision made just to check it off the list.
2) There is no try, only do.
3) If I get the job in San Mateo, it will be a high-stress thing and it will keep me busy.
4) I am a big girl. I can move wherever I want. I can also move whenever I want. There is no law saying that once I move out west that I can never leave.

Gotta sleep now.


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