THE WORST NAMES OF (this and last) CENTURY
(finally updated on 1/18/04, after two years...yikes!)
I began keeping this list during my two-year stint as a legal secretary, where I worked with huge lists of names every day. My list started innocently enough, where my law firm co-workers (or "cow-orkers") and friends would add names as they found them. Now, this list has grown into a monster that has to be categorized into groups: Huhh hhhuuhh huhhuuhh, The Redundancy Dept. of Redundancy, Poetry, Names that Just Need to be Said Aloud, Names that Just Sound Silly, Must Be The Heat (Crazy Names from Arizona), Greetings from Australia, Names from the Great White North and THE WORST NAME AWARD.
Additions to this list are always welcome, but please be sure to specify how you know the person, or where you found the name, so I can credit you on the list (also be sure to let me know if you want to remain anonymous). Please don't submit foreign names (such as Ramachandran Rananthamatablaman); as funny as they may sound to Americans, they're probably perfectly fine in their native language. Email submissions to llij att llij dott die spammer nett.
And last but not least: I don't want to hear it if you find your own name here; it's not my fault you had cruel parents. :-)
Huhh hhhuuhh huhhuuhh... (Was "The Human Body")
Dick Kuntz (a math teacher from my high school)
David Crapo (a NJ defense attorney)
Leroy Dickle (a plaintiff in a NJ case)
Donna Krappa (a NJ attorney, or possibly a court employee... I forget!) [I have been corrected: Donna is Asst. Federal Prosecutor in NJ, and I've also been told that "she's also a hottie."]
Dick Spotts (an acquaintance of my friend Jeremy)
Dick Trickle (a famous NASCAR driver)
Dick Butter (Jeremy's former co-worker)
Arne Pitts (another NJ court employee)
Fannie Hammer (An AZ resident)
Buster Cherry- a Bryn Mawr, PA assistant principal (honest!)
Rosy Areola - A former student of Amy's dad. (Ironically, nobody teased her about her name, as no one knew what her name meant. Look it up.)
John Nipple - an AZ resident
Dung Tram (This is how digested matter gets from one section of the bowel to the other; it takes the 'dung tram.')
Harry Balls - submitted by Paul
Dick Dangle - Submitted by Julie Bond
Dick Yourren - pronounced "urine."- Submitted by Tom Carten. (I can't believe it either; but he was a well-loved police chief in Hanover Township, PA.)
Frances Knipple - also submitted by Tom Carten
Bertha Titsworth - yet another from Tom Carten. (I want to live where he lives; I'd never stop giggling)
Charles Titsworth - (I wonder if he's related to Bertha?) -- submitted by Christian Garnett
Buddy Passwater - My co-worker was in the Air Force with him
Harry Butts, III (He went by "Kip" instead.) - Submitted by Mary Lee Alford, who worked with him in Memphis, TN.
Harry Skull - "My red-headed friend from high school." - submitted anonymously
Poopa Dweck - Submitted by the very lovely Jennifer Hunter. (Apparently there are two Poopa Dwecks: one in NY and one in FL.)
Harry I. Ball - Submitted by Howie Barnes. Harry was Howie's roommate in the US Navy Training School.
Mike Hunt - Submitted by Paul from Toronto. Paul says, "It's just like Porky's ... except this one's real ... and he even prefers to be called Mike!"
Harry Weiner - Submitted by Clint. Harry is his s ex-girlfriend's brother's name.
Dick Stryker - Clint's mom's friend.
Don Shields - Submitted by Clwedd Burns. Clwedd says, "Don Shields was the Dean of my college. It never occured to us how funny his name was until he was giving a talk on safe sex and condom use."
Freeda Brest (and burn the bra while you're at it)
Pat Butts - Submitted by Rosa Carson. Ms. Butts is Rosa Carson's high school typing teacher.
Jeff Buttplunger - Submitted anonymously. "We found the name from a court case we'd come across at work. To which my friend replied, "Sounds like my kind of guy."
David Buttlien (pronounced Butt-Line) - Subnmitted anonymously
Richard Dick, known to friends as Dick Dick. - Submitted by Stella Hackell
Harry Balls (the father of Curtis Balls in AZ)
Mi Hardin - Submitted by Mara, who went to high school with her.
Tara Himen - submitted by Paul Yagid
Richard Head (yep, it's "Dick Head") - submitted by Paul Yagid
Harry Balz - another gem submitted by Paul Yagid
Dick Klutch - A math teacher in my former high school in NY (submitted anonymously by a New Yorker)
Dick Munch - A math teacher at my friend's former high school in Maryland (Also submitted anonymously by a New Yorker)
Tudor Boloni - fellow student at my former high school in NY (submitted anonymously by a New Yorker)
Jacqueline Offie - She went by Jackie (submitted by Peggy in Kansas)
Major Harry Dick (submitted anonymously)
Dr. Hogg-Kuntz - a physician in Saulte Ste. Marie, Ontario (submitted by Terrence Dow)
Dick Power (I understand the guy was really proud of his name)
Yu Suk (She is a hair cutter at Fort Campbell in Kentucky)
Richard Liss, who went by "Dick Liss." (a former owner of a small clothes store in Massachusetts)
Father Dick Bushee- a catholic priest (he's his own best friend)
Richard Head - a high school teacher in NJ
Rod Holder - Rob Seastrom used to worth with this guy.
Isaac Hunt (read it out lound... he might be related to Mike Hunt) - submitted by R. Hammond
Richard Seaman (yes, that's Dick Seaman) - some guy went to high school with him in Lexington, MA
Dick Pole (Major League baseball coach)
Kerry Buttsavage - a friends former boss
"Here in Austin there is a Urologist named Richard (Dick) Chopp." - Submitted by Steve Davis
Tommy Tittle (submitted by Mike Franden)
"I work in a hospital and i see a variety of names day in and day out but one caught my eye. I'm also in the military and young navy guys' rank is a Seaman. And I kid you not, this guy's name was Seamen Glasscock, don't know his first name but didnt have to to laugh. :) thanks."
Jack Knopf-- "Used to look at state tax returns years ago, and this name is one of the few which stuck in my memory." --Submitted by Eric
Fannie Bumpass, descendant of John T. Bumpass of Bumpass, VA. (Here's the site where i found it!) - submitted by Alex Reyno
"In junior high, our gym teacher was Dick Stretch." - submitted by Lynn Hart
"My boyfriend's last name is Sack, and their family did have a tradition of naming male children "henry" known as "Harry Sack." This tradition seems to have been abandoned . . ." - Also submitted by Lynn Hart!
"My Grandfather's name is Dick Service. He is a nice old man from St.George, Utah. His real name is Richard, but everyone calls him Dick for short. Just thought you would like to know." --submitted by Parker Service (another great name)
"These are the only two doctors in Frenchburg, KY (located in Appalacia): Taimur Butt, MD and Richard Pugh, md ("Dick"). I don't know if they were aware of this when they formed their partnership...pretty funny!" -- Anonymous
Aida Wiener - a customer in Sue's store
"My mom's best friend's husband is Dick Lidz" - submitted by Erinn in Arizona
"OB-GYN in Arizona: Roger Seymann (like Sea-man) I've always wondered if this was really the right profession for him." Also -- from Erinn in Arizona
Jack Goff - a high school history teacher (submitted anonymously)
My 6th grade teacher's name: Aneta Dick. Last name by marrage, I think. -- submitted by Andy P
There's a union official in New Jersey named Dominic Turdo. - submitted by Brian
"How 'bout Rikki Knipple... a lovely woman that runs Renaissance festivals... very well proportioned, too..." - submitted anonymously
Harry Glanz - a mortage company owner in Detroit. --submitted anonymously
Dick Wacker - submitted by Danielle (who gives me some of the best!)
Nancy Friggle - submitted by the lovely Michelle Klein Castle
In my USAF days I had an instructor pilot for a short time named Richard Zucker (yup, he introduced himself as Dick). - submitted anonymously
There was a professor of Near Eastern history when I was an undergraduate at Yale whose name was I. Metin Kunt. (I don't know whether the e in Metin was long or short....) You can verify this by navigating to the following web page on Amazon.com where you'll find a listing for an out-of-print book edited by Dr. Kunt. -- submitted by Channing Hughes
The Redundancy Dept. of Redundancy
Pete Apito (I went to high school with him; he's a great guy.)
Thomas Thomas (my high school choir director's father)
Nicholas Di Nicholangelo (my mom's student)
Mr. Maria had 2 daughters: Ave Maria and Maria Maria (Mr. Maria is a friend of my friend Maria... go figure)
Pasquale DiPasquale - Submitted by Maria Tryon
Mohammed Mohammad Mohammed - My pal Mark went to DeVry with him
Peter Petrou ("Petrou" means "Peter" in Greek; he is a lawyer at my old law firm. He says everyone from Cyprus has double-names like his!)
Pollard H. Pollard (An AZ resident)
David Davidson (An Arkansas Resident) - Submitted by Kristy Owens of Arkansas
Annabelle Bell (an AZ resident)
Matt Mattmiller - submitted by Julie McClung
Carl Carlson (Carl is a vendor for my company)
Tom Tomza - Submitted by Clwedd Burns
Nicolas Nicolosi (known as "Chipper") - also submitted by Stella Hackell
Andrew Andrews - Adam Dupré goes to school with him
Bill Williams lives in Nevada, says Kevin Franden
Chris Chrisman ("Yeah, this one's mine. I don't know what my parents were thinking.") -- Is he a good sport or what?
Charles C. Charles: Finally ask him if his middle name was Charles, but it wasn't :( --Submitted by Peggy Hankins
"I had a friend in a band that I was in name William Arron Arron Williams. He was born William Arron Williams (his parents decided to be cute), and then he decided to get them back and make his confirmation name Arron also." - submitted by Mike
Lewis Lewis (a.k.a. "LL") - This anonymous submitter served in the Army with LL in Desert Storm.
"My Great-uncle, Walter Rose married a woman many years ago who's first name was Rose. Yes, she was Rose Rose." -- Another from Erinn in Arizona!
We had a student at our school named Taylor Taylor in Tatum, Texas -- submitted Janna Smith
Spencer Spencer - submitted by Vanessa Westwood, London, UK
"When I was a child my parents were close friends with a married couple with an interesting set of names. The woman's first name was Jewel, and she married a man named who's last name was Jewl, which made her Jewel Jewl. Her husbands first name? Juilian, but he went by "Jule", so they effectively both had identically pronounced first and last names." Submitted by Craig Howell
Alison Alison- Alison Maun married Jeff Alison -- submitted anonymously
Eileen Bean - a friend of a former co-worker from the law firm
Judy Caputi - a friend of the same co-worker from above
Hugh Pugh - I have no idea how I found this guy's name...
Holly & Molly Jolly - I went to camp with them; they're twins, no less!
Nikki, Rikki & Vikki Reidhead - My chum Amy went to school with them
Chuck Druck - another former co-worker of Jeremy's
Joan Slone - Jen's great aunt
Herman Sherman - a Spanish Teacher
Michael Weikel (pronounced WHY-kul)
Eileen Serene, a (late) philosophy professor at Yale university. Her husband was a dean, so they were Dean and Eileen Serene. - Another gem submitted by Stella Hackell!
"I once worked for someone name Esther Lester processing insurance claims. She once gave me a claim for a person named Alice Dallas." (submitted by Joe)
Mogoly Galogoly, son of car dealership owner in Buffalo, Galogoly Chevrolet
Arlene Biehn (pronounced like bean): A friend of my mother's who still visits the area occasionally. --Submitted by Peggy Hankins
Names that Just Need to be Said Aloud:
Mr. Frost has two children: Jack and Dee - my friend Danielle went to school with them
Aneta Lott (pronounced "I need a lot") This is Kristy Owens' sister's married name
Sandy Beach - I went to camp with her, too
Iwana Bone (Iwana La Trave married John Adam Bone in Bardwell, KY) - Submitted by Chuck T.
Sandy Leigh (pronounced "lay")
Philander Poon (works in Hong Kong)
Shanda Lear - Went to grammar school with my buddy Rob
Dino Sakapatatis (pronounced "sack of potatoes") submitted by Maria Tryon
Ima Hogg, daughter of the former Texas governor. - Submitted by Julie McClung
Lance Hand - He was Jeremy's rep at CDW
"A secretary in my office - Pam Franklin, named her son Ben."
"I had a schoolmate from Thailand named Coffeepot Kauwepan"
Byrd Onion - Submitted by Paul
Mariana Tabl (sounds like "Mary on a table")
Phil Meehen (pronounced "fill me in") The new principal at St. Cassian's School
Anthony Fregannasso (I wonder if his daughter's name is "Whatta")
Coleman willis (I wonder if he likes Diff'rent Strokes?)
Phuoc My Lam (I swear on all that is holy)
"Baby Spam" (I imagine Mr. & Mrs. Spam had a child that they had not yet named...) - Submitted by the Michael Kirsch (Jen's dad)
Bridget Boyle-Coffey (This woman's a trooper-- she submitted her own name; though, admittedly, it won't be her name for long...)
Clwedd Burns. (Clwedd says, "I'm submitting my own name. Not so funny in its spelling (just weird) but it's pronounced Clo-e-th (almost like cloth but with a long O). "Cloth burns," Yeah, I haven't heard THAT one before, people! But I get my revenge: I was once screening job applicants at work. A guy came in for an interview, apparently he was self-taught in Welsh and proceded to tell me that I was saying it wrong. He didn't get the job.")
Justin Case - Submitted by Rosa Carson; Justin was her childhood friend.
Amanda Linn - Yet another childhood friend of Rosa Carson.
Fern Leif (pronounced "leaf") - Stella Hackell's sister went to camp with her
Maggie Aikenhead - Stella Hackell knew her in college. (Perhaps Maggie suffered from hangovers?)
Lueva Hand - John Hand ran the medical records room at the Navy Hospital in China Lake...he married a lady named Lueva...Pronounced LeWaveA...Hand. - Submitted by FireDog
Holly Wood - Submitted by Jeanie Smith
Robin Hood - Tracy in Texas went to high school with her
Rainy Knight (submitted by Peggy in Kansas)
Rusty Railing (also submitted by Peggy in Kansas)
Rocko Gibraldi (submitted by Joe)
Odd Willie (a Norwegian name submitted by Bernadette). [You learn something new every day! Brian comments: "The Norwegian name "Odd" -- you mentioned Odd Willie -- is actually short for "Oddvin," which means "knifepoint." Really macho name by Norwegian standards. There was a famous general who headed the UN peacekeeping forces named Odd Bull."
Verbal Snook -- who on earth would name their kid 'Talking Fish'?!? (submitted by Kevin Franden)
John Lawless - a lawyer, no less!
Rusty Nail (a neighbor of mine when I was growing up) submitted by Patrick Bradley in Morrison, Colorado
Sparkle Box (Gail Wasmer used to work at an engraving shop and she made a namebadge for her.)
Harry Dog of Knoxville Tennessee --submitted by Liz Reed
Ima and Ura Knutt (twins; of course, the K is silent): School mates of my mother's many years ago. No wonder girls married young.- submitted by Peggy Hankins
Rollin Eudaily: (pronounced U-daily): local hairstylist - also submitted by Peggy Hankins!
Dr. T. Bone (A retired dentist in Prince George BC Canada)
"My father's full name is Burns Derrell Hart. He went by Derrell until joining the Army, where all of his paperwork read "hart, burns," which apparently really cracked up some of his commanding officers. (Chest clutching and begging for malox and so forth.)" - Submitted by Lynn Hart
"Here are a couple names I've come across in my job (entering customer names into the company sales database). These guys are all police officers in the state of Texas with whom we've done business: Rusty Tubbs, Dusty Buckets, Robert Peed, Timothy Bitchenthaler... and a favorite of mine whom I dealt with as his account representative in a former job: Tim Foil. -- submitted by s1ren
"My grandfather is named DON KEYS. and yes, he was born on a farm (sheep, not mules)." - Anonymous
Liberty Bell (A friend in high school of this anonymous submitter)
"I was updating the database where I work, and came across these family names: Jacas (pronounced 'Jackass') and Karwash (I believe it's one of our East Indian customers)." -- Sue Wolfson (who is very, very cool)
"I went to elementary school with a guy named Benjamin Dover..he HATED being called Ben....PS 236 Brooklyn NY in the mid '60s..." - submitted by Tsvi Goldstein
Les Gay (submitted anonymously)
On Discovery channel last night, in a program about giving birth, there was a naval lieutenant named Coy Flower. He was a man. I mean, my ghod! "Coy Flower" sounds like a name for an Asian woman in a novel of the Charlie Chan era!" - submitted by Stella Haskell
"My dad's old landlord was named "Dick Shirker." T'is the best insult to ever call someone." --submitted by Mark
How about Francesca Butogli? "It's pronounced boo-TOL-yee," she says everytime she's addressed as "butt-ugly." - submitted by Brian
Murderann Gunkford, Ayla-Faye Taryn Watson-Dancy, Ice and Glass Shark -- all submitted by Oomia Uqqiq (who has a pretty cool name, right there!)
Dr. Breakbone and Dr. Nokill - Names found while working for an insurance underwriting company in MN. -- submitted by B. Willis, Portland, OR
I don't know why these sound silly...
Inella Blevins (a plaintiff in a NJ case)
Ecki Soemarmo (a friend of a former co-worker, Jason DiBattista)
Inky Snell (a member of my friend John's church)
Rush Coffin (an AZ nursing home resident)
Oral Elhard (an AZ resident)
Nabil Dib and Nabilla Dib - pidgin twins from Australia - Submitted by Yvonne Karen Prentice
Elnerva Rentz -- Her parents named her for themselves (Elmer & Minerva), yuk...but she sure was beautiful inside and out, our pastor's wife.
Cleifus Grimm (a NJ nursing home resident)
Flora Kaurna - Also submitted by Jim
Coke Mizzitti (saw her name in a church bulletin)
Dorphus Fagg (Also a winner of the Worst Name award... he held the position for almost 5 months!)
Bodo Bube (This guy was in the Wausau, WI phone book circa 1950.) - Submitted by Howie Barnes
Berrigan Woodstock Yankitis (Berry for short). Think her parents were hippies? :) Submitted by Laurie Brunner
Sonny Bimbo (also submitted by Laurie Brunner)
Leroy Schmuck (also submitted by Laurie Brunner)
Tarkle Tweet: This man sold Electrolux Vacuums here for many years. - submitted by Peggy Hankins
Dick Tracy: former neighbor - also submitted by Peggy Hankins!
Richard Flopolotovit ("flop a lot of it") of Fairbanks, Alaska. -- submitted by Shena Fielder
Pomona Teets -- submitted anonymously
Must Be the Heat (Odd Names from Arizona)
Megan Loves Lloyd (This is some guy's full name-- a true example of twisted parents. He goes by "Mack.")
G. Beiford Ellwonger (The "G" stands for George. Imagine him saying, "No, really, I’d rather be called Beiford.")
Zorox Is (He shops at the Border's Books & Music at the Biltmore in Phoenix)
Sameach Ea (what nationality are those last four people?)
Sage Telestine Etsitty
Lu Lu Ma (any relation to Yo Yo?)
Iliac Curioucus Mokrycki
Nekko Manna (I think that's the food that God gave the Jews in the desert-- in tiny, flavorful, multicolored wafers)
Dudley Onderdonk III - Danielle worked at a law firm that represents this guy. (I can't believe it... there's two more Dudley Onderdonks before him!)
Clara Dedobbelator ("dedobbelator" sounds like futuristic torture device, no?)
Satanius Sabbath Stamper (Satanius is a woman, by the way...)Submitted by Laurie Brunner
Greetings from Australia!
These names were cheerfully submitted by Jim Tsacalakis of Adelaide, South Australia:
Percival Squibb Dick (employee of Primary Industries SA)
Mr. Zukefly Sulaiman (visitor to a conference where Jim works)
Ena Mai Oks (female - was once Jim's boss!)
Dr. Xenon Xenophou (Obstetrician and Gynecologist, North Adelaide)
Wazyl Lazor (Telstra Customer Service Officer)
Dr. Mauro C. Zoppa (Jim's doctor, and possibly the fifth Marx brother....)
These names below were submitted anonymously by another Australian!
Dawn Watchman - "A friend of mine came across this one whilst working at the admissions centre at the Australian National University."
Suk Bum Kim - same as above
Shona Dick - She went to my high school in Tasmania. Her father worked for the local police and was, in fact, Inspector Dick.
S. Terdsak - A name found whilst looking for a friend's phone number in local Canberra directory
Also, a friend of mine in the Australian Navy worked with a Seaman Staines - later promoted to Able Seaman Staines.
Where I live in Canberra, there is also a practising medico whose name is Dr. Death.
These were submitted by Michael, also from down undah:
Richard (Dick) Face and Richard (Dick) Head: Both Ministers in State Governments - submitted by Michael!
Justin Tyme -- an acquaintance.
Just Jim James-- Name on a new bank account. When customer was asked his christian name he replied "Just Jim", so that is what he was called. Pity about the surname though.
Must be an Australian thing. :-)
Names from The Great White North These names were submitted anonymously from a neat Canadian.
There was a Donald Duck living in Chesley, Ontario Canada in the 1970's,
Also a Harry Assel (sounds like "Harry Asshole") in St. Catharines...
There was a Jack Cass living in Port Elgin, Ontario...
Also in St. Catharines: Terry Twocock
My Mom used to go to Doctor Aikenhead...
We had a Doctor Deathe living here in Goderich, Ontario in the 1970's
And the WORST name I have ever heard:
And the worst one I ever heard...Fucko VanAsseldonk...a Dutch name guaranteed to get your mouth washed out with soap!
And the worst one I ever heard...Fucko VanAsseldonk...a Dutch name guaranteed to get your mouth washed out with soap!
last updated: 01/18/04 at 2:06pm (It's been two years since the last update!)